Buddy Boss

"I am the boss in office, but outside office we are the best of buddies" claimed a senior colleague commenting on how he manages relationships with colleagues who he claimed are also his buddies outside office.

And when I say buddies, I mean Buddies - it goes beyond mere friendship.  Being a buddy is different from being a 'friend'.  A boss can be a 'friend' of his subordinate - and can socialize, share personal feelings, and go out camping together.  But this is a friendship that always tacitly respects the official position held by the senior of the two individuals.

So coming back to Buddies - such buddy-ships (for want of a better word) typically get formed when two colleagues are not in a direct reporting relationship. The challenge arises when one of them over-takes the other on the career ladder and ends up as the boss.  Or in the case of a matrix structure, where my buddy ends up in a position where he has a significant role in my assessments/appraisals - or vice versa. Would the original buddy-ship built on absolute equality still survive?

From my observations, very few do.  Despite all the talk about separating out office life from personal life, it is the rare individual who operates in water-tight compartments. The fact is that whether it comes to performance appraisals, assignment of interesting roles/projects, or even simple things like the seating arrangement, friendships do play a huge role in office life, and buddies in reporting relationships do tend to mutually benefit in the office. But inevitably there will come a time when on a certain issue some expectations from either side will not be met - and that will be the beginning of the straining of the buddy-ship.  The strain will first show in office, and willy-nilly soon it will manifest outside the office - and best buddies will turn bitter foes.

If I have a good buddy and recently one of us has started reporting to the other, how do we protect our friendship?

If I am the boss, then the simplest thing I do is to manage my own expectations in terms of how much I think my buddy-subordinate should go beyond his normal role to help me - whether it is in terms of over-over-stretching himself or snitching on his other colleagues.  I would also involve another senior colleague in sensitive - and potentially confrontational - issues such as performance appraisals, determination of increments, bonus etc.  By this process I am sending the message that I want a neutral person involved to prevent any mis-understandings between us - especially when the news being delivered may not be pleasant. Of course my buddy will still think I am deliberately distancing myself - but at least this will ensure that the relationship does not deteriorate sharply. He will still continue to be a friend, if not my buddy.

And if I end up as the subordinate, what then? I can then play a bigger role in ensuring the buddy-ship survives - if I want it to.  From my observations it is all about how much one values the buddy-ship, and therefore how willing one is to walk away from bitter confrontations in office.  To give an example :  I may think I deserve a bigger team to manage the work load, or an x% higher bonus.  If my boss is not a buddy I would probably raise this issue gently with him, and if that does not work - fight it out through escalations.

But if my boss is my buddy, then I need to think very carefully before I escalate : Is the larger team or the x% potential increase (that I MIGHT get after a fight) more important than the buddy-ship I would most probably lose - after all I am dealing with a human being, and not some emotionless organisational position.....

If the x% is really important and I feel I have not been treated fairly, then I will go ahead and fight.  Probably he is not a genuine buddy anyway and he is just exploiting our friendship.......

But in many cases - and after careful thought - I find it better to manage my own expectations.  In which case I choose to walk away from a potentially nasty fight (and a potential x% increase). Walking away could either mean diplomatically and gradually maneuvering myself into a different role (and a different boss), or staying back and accepting and trusting my buddy-boss' decision without showing dissent.

Walking away may sound wimpish.......

But after all, I don't know : maybe he has already tried his best to fight my case internally, and is too embarrassed to tell me he lost the fight.

Or maybe my expectations from my buddy-boss are not fair.

Or maybe it has dawned on me that we are blessed with so few buddies in our life-time...... 

Decisions Decisions

Any decision need to be examined through the lens of the life-stage of the person who took that decision, and the emotional state he was in when he took the decision. A decision taken by a person in one life-stage when he is in an exuberant state of mind (e.g. by a 'care-free' bachelor) may look flippant or selfish to a person who is in another life-stage (e.g. a person who has 2 teen-age kids).  And similarly, to a care-free bachelor a decision taken by a person in another life-stage might seem ridiculous and too compromising.

Every decision involves a trade-off and a risk that events will not turn out the way you had anticipated at the time of taking the decision.  E.g. I may decide to invest in a large 3 bedroom apartment even though I may not be able to afford the large EMI at my current salary.  The trade-off here is that I will need to work harder in order to pay off the loan, and the risk is that the real estate market may crumble in the future, or I may lose my job.  Only people who have been in that particular life-stage will understand or appreciate the thought process and emotional feelings that a person must have gone through to arrive at a decision - particularly a tough or an unpleasant decision.

As I become older, I have noticed 2 changes in the way I approach decisions:

CHANGE 1
Change in speed of decision making :  I notice that decisions that I used to take quickly in my younger days are now-a-days taking me much longer; and conversely, decisions that I once used to agonise over I take it quickly now without even thinking much.  I have become faster when the decisions pertain to money, investments, how much money I should put into a car or a holiday etc.  I guess I have become faster at this because these are skill based decisions where I become better over time at assessing risk vs reward and I am now able to distance myself from "feelings" when I take such decisions.

But I have become much slower now when the decisions pertain to anything that affects individuals in my family, and my family as a unit : when to take a holiday, whether or where to re-locate, whether to accept a new exciting job offer which might mean spending more time away from family, and how and with whom I spend my time.  Here I am not dealing with risk - I am dealing with its big brother -  uncertainty - as I am no longer dealing with probabilities but with the dynamics of human emotions.  As my life-stage evolves such decisions will becoming increasingly complex - so a constant learning curve.

CHANGE 2
Stopped Justifying and Being Judgemental : I have stopped - or at least consciously trying to stop - two of my bad habits when it comes to decisions.  The 1st bad habit is explaining the rationale for my decisions to others, and the 2nd bad habit is passing value judgments on others' decisions.

Explaining a decision (which has already been taken) to a person in another life-stage is a waste of time for both parties - the other person will only indicate a hundred other equally valid reasons why that decision was wrong. Since nobody can ever be sure whether their decision was "correct", that would only provoke a defensive response leading to unpleasantness - so nowadays I just shrug my shoulders and smile when somebody comments on my decision.

And as for my other bad habit - I was guilty (during my care-free years) of the crime of passing judgement on other's so called "emotional and compromising" decisions : I blush now at such behaviour.  I now only mull over what circumstances would have forced the other to arrive at that decision.  And then I keep my mouth tightly shut.

Symbolism

This week has been strange - the clock virtually stopped ticking.....

Over this week all the 3 clocks in my apartment started going dead one after the other. May be I changed the batteries of all the wall clocks in my house at the same time last year......, or maybe the cold in my apartment has started affecting the clock batteries .....

But interestingly even my wrist watches stopped working.

While I am trying to figure out the symbolism of this, I now rely on my old Omega which I earlier used to ignore because it needs to be manually wound up.  I now laboriously wind it up daily.

Encounter @ Indian Restaurant in Cairo

So this weekend I legged it to the newly opened and strangely named "Maharaja-1" restaurant in my Cairo neighbourhood. Enough of my own cooking .... I was ready to be spoilt by a royal treat from the Maharaja himself.

But especially I was looking forward to meeting the Indian chef who ran the place - some kindred soul with whom I can exchange recipes and share the feelings that well up when a chap stays far away from home.  And maybe he will prepare especially for me that special dish that is not on his menu ......

Enter the place and head straight to the busy looking owner-cum-chef.  I introduce myself as another Indian, and wait for the emotional welcome and hugs expected of a person meeting another from his home country.

He looks me and up and down.  And then........

He : "So you have come to eat, or........."

I : "err .... yes, to eat"

He (looking pointedly behind me) : "and who else with you?"

I : "err .... no one else - just me - you see my family is ....."

He (obviously uninterested in my family saga) : "so you want a table for ONE?" (emphasis his)

I :"errr ....yes"

He stopped looking into my eyes from that moment.  I could empathise with the hapless cockroach that might dare enter his kitchen

He : "well, you can take the table near the entrance - that table actually seats 4, but you can sit there ...."

I (with great relief) : "oh, thank you, thank you, much appreciated ...."

Head straight to the table which seats 4 - but which will now seat only 1.  All the other tables were 8 seaters over-flowing with large Egyptian families obviously having a good time enjoying the gastronomical delights.

The table for 4 (but which now seats only 1) is the one next to the exit.  I have a good view of the pavement outside from here.

Go through the menu.  I realise suddenly that I am not so hungry after all .....

But since I have come here .... "I will have a vegetable pulav and raita" I told him.

He : "That is it?"  And he waited, his pen expectantly poised over his large notepad.

Of course, table for 4.

I : "umm - ah - Ok, I will also have a bottle of water - small one".

He : "No small one.  We only serve big bottles here"

That is called rubbing it in.

I don't recall the taste of the food - but I can vividly recall every passerby that passed by the restaurant while I ate.

Spreading Happiness through the "Like" button on fb

I initially disliked - and used to ridicule - the "Like" button on Facebook.  I thought it was superficial and  used it very very selectively, and only for content that really really impressed me.

But enlightenment struck me recently, and now I use it liberally and with a clear conscience.

The "Like" button is not merely for the post. It is much bigger than that.  When I "Like" it, it means that the person who posted it is important enough to me to read what he posted.  It is recognising his effort, and by extension acknowledging his presence in the virtual world. It has very little with whether you actually AGREED with the contents of his post, or whether or not you liked the looks of his gaudily clad heavily mascara decked wife in their honeymoon photo. And if you are delighted about it then "Comment" on it or better still post it on your own wall.

"Like" is like giving a positive stroke to an individual - in the same way in real life you go around wishing people you like, and smiling at them, and therefore acknowledging the role they play in your life even if on that particularly day they are having a bad hair day.

So go ahead and use the "Like" button liberally - you will help spread some happiness in the Virtual - and consequently - in the Real world. 

Birthday reminder on Facebook

The Birthday reminder is one of most superficial and irritating feature about Facebook.  I actually dislike the almost "automated" birthday greetings on my fb wall from friends & acquaintances as a result of Facebook reminding users on my birthday - and therefore indirectly putting social pressure on them to wish me (even if they did not want to).

I like it as it was in the pre-Facebook days when without any automated calendar reminders, friends either write to me by email or call to wish me.

Anyway I removed my birthday from Facebook so that no one gets a reminder and hence are not forced to write some automated greeting on my wall.  And neither do I send birthday greetings to people if I did not know their birthdays by heart in the first place.

I am truly becoming a relic. 

Notes To Myself - on Farewells

1. A few years ago when I was leaving an organisation I sent out a general "Farewell & Thank you" mail to the entire organisation, thanking a lot of individuals by name.  Inevitably as it happens I forget to mention a few names - either by accident or by design.  Those whose name I mentioned will not remember me for this gesture; but those who thought they deserved a mention but who I - accidentally or otherwise - forgot to mention will not forget the omission. 
2. The best thing to do - either in farewell speeches or farewell mails - is to keep it general and thank everyone without mentioning any specific individual names (except perhaps your direct manager).  If I need to thank some specific individuals, I will write to them individually or drop by their office and thank them personally.